


For the Sake of Our Sanity

by trappedinssb



Series: Drabbles of the Bus [1]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Aftermath, Backstory, Drinking, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Nightmares, Past Relationship(s), Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-19
Updated: 2014-03-19
Packaged: 2018-01-16 07:05:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1336477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trappedinssb/pseuds/trappedinssb
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Awaken by his own screams, Coulson always has to think hard because he isn’t sure if he’s dead or alive.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Set between ep.9 "Repairs" and ep.10 "The Bridge". (MayWard in ep.8 never happened.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	For the Sake of Our Sanity

**Author's Note:**

> Excuse my errors in grammar. English doesn't bother to socialize with me much.

It’s one of those really quiet nights after a particularly hard mission. Ward, who had been on front line is fastly asleep the moment he hits on board. Fitzsimmons, who spent many nights doing the research and figuring out the problems are also catching up on their sleep. May just dissapeares into the pilot’s cabin and Coulson, his hands full with paperworks, doesn’t come out of his office.

So Skye is sitting on her bed, deeply consumed in the silence and occasional grumbles of engine, when the moment of peace is suddenly broken by a scream from upstairs. It’s distant, but it is definitely a scream. Startled, Skye listens to the footsteps but there aren’t any. Ward is too exhausted to wake up, and the two scientists are deep sleepers. So Skye carefully walks out of her quarter,, wondering what had happened. Maybe one of the enemy goons slipped into the Bus during the fight. Scared by the thought, Skye grabs the nearest fire extinguisher and slowly walks up the stairway.

The lounge looked peaceful, and much to Skye’s surprise, May was sitting on the one of the couches, paperwork in front of her. May gives Skye a look and returns to her work, scanning the previous page and flipping to the next.

 

“Um, I… heard someone screaming.”  
“Not a good choice of weapon.”

 

May says without looking up, and Skye wants to say it was only thing that she could manage, but the wooden door that leads to Coulson’s quarter opens with a thud. Coulson, wearing sweatpants and a dressing gown, is soaked with his sweat.His face is bit flushed, breathe little raspy, and his uncertain eyes meet Skye’s. Skye winces as she sees a huge scar across the man’s chest. 

 

“Didn’t know we were gonna have company.”

 

Coulson says in a slurred voice, grabbing a bottle of whiskey from the mini-bar. Skye is taken aback; Coulson she knew didn’t sound so emotional or vulnerable. He never drank on board, had never even touched the bar. It was like seeing a whole another person. Coulson winced as he poured the drink into his throat. He approached to the couch May was sitting, sat next to her and leaned to place his head on May’s laps.

 

“Okay, I, think I’m missing something.”

 

Skye says, putting down the fire extinguisher. Niether Coulson or May says anything, so Skye settles on the opposite side of them. Coulson is silently drinking, and May is softly petting his hair.

 

“Sorry to bother you.”  
“What? I’m not-”  
“I had a nightmare.”

 

Coulson looks genuinely apologetic. Skye realizes it was Coulson, that horrible scream was from Coulson struggling with fear and pain. Coulson unconsiously pulls the dressing gown to cover his chest. May gently caresses Coulson’s cheeks.

 

“It’s usually not this bad.”

 

He almost whispers and closes his eyes. May sighs and moves her fingers to the newly formed bruise on his jaw.

 

“I… never thought…”

 

It was true. Skye never thought Agent Coulson would be screaming under any circumstances. Fitzsimmons once told her that Coulson didn’t even groan or wince while getting tortured. That was probably a lie, but it was beilievable. She can’t imagine Coulson broken with pain, because… well, because Coulson was Coulson. Seeing Coulson right now though, Skye realizes that Agent Coulson is just Phil Coulson, a human, vulnerable and distructable like the rest of them.

 

“‘s fine.”

 

Coulson mumbles, still closing his eyes. Skye can see his hands are trembling. May gently takes the cup and sets it on the table.

 

“Alchohol wouldn’t save you from them.”

 

She says curtly, and Coulson whines. He actually whines, and Skye smiles a bit.

 

“I can try.”  
“You’re just making up an excuse.”  
“But when I’m drunk, I almost don’t recognize him.”  
“In the end you always do.”  
“That’s true.”

 

Coulson shivers and shifts his position to face away from Skye.

 

“I don’t want to see him.”

 

It takes a moment for Skye to realize he’s talking about Loki. Every night, Coulson encounters the Asgardian and he dies, again and again. He feels the cold scepter enter his body and shred his heart. He repeatedly feels the life getting drawn out from his body. He experinces his death from every perspective, and screams. He screams because only then he can let go of all the pain and fear. Only then he can accept that he is dead.

Awaken by his own screams, Coulson always has to think hard because he isn’t sure if he’s dead or alive. After few minutes, when his screams die out, he starts to hear his heartbeat. Then he collapses into a mixture of relief and despair, wishing that he was dead already.

 

“It’s a burden that you have to carry.”

 

May softly whispers. Coulson clutches May’s hand.

 

“There is no going back.”  
“I know.”

 

Skye just watches two of them whisper at each other, the deep communication that is wrung out from the years and years of talking, embracing, and watching each other’s back.

 

“Is it going to be better?”

 

Coulson’s voice is small. May looks down to the man, his breathe warm against her abs.

 

“No.”

 

May tells the truth because it’s the only thing she can do. To hold onto him, for his sanity. Coulson’t wouldn’t bother with lies, and May knows it. She gives Coulson a short kiss on the forehead, and he drifts back to sleep.

Skye wipes the tear from her eyes.

 

“Tell me. About you and him.”

 

And May does. She does in a very clear, but quiet voice. She tells Skye the first time they’ve met in Vietnam, the missions where she and Coulson both came near death, developing emotions for each other, laughing at pranks, going to dinner like a normal couple, living together that only lasted for few months, the point where everything went wrong, how Coulson held onto her when she couldn’t cope with anything, how she wanted to leave SHIELD but stayed because of him, and even though she hated it, the reason she had to come back to the fieldwork.

 

“You were worried.”  
“No, I wan’t worried. He’s a strong man. I was sure that he could cope. But…”

 

May puts her hand onto Coulson’s chest, feeling his heart beating under the scar.

 

“I wanted to be there for him.”  
“Hmmm.”

 

Coulson hums in his sleep. May smiles sadly.

 

“It’s just a little peice of sentiment left in me.”


End file.
